what to say of the year 2009? well...in short.
I turned 18, I became an "adult" on the day they inaugerated President Obama--my friend had a bumpersticker that labeled the day "A day of error! 1/20/2009" and so I called her out and asked what she meant calling my birthday an day of error! haha good times.
January 7th was a fateful day-- I confronted a friend, i got accepted to North Greenville, got a text from that friend that opened up a whole new conflict between us...it was a roller coaster of a day. we have reconciled however and pressed forward to a new level of friendship that i'm not positive would be there were it not for both our faults in confrontation and then forgiveness!
on the 21st of that month I had somewhat of a fallout with God--but I knew how to get back up. I was feeling alone--succumbing to that lie once again from Satan, but God has taught me how to fight back against him and so I did--weakly, but I had assurance that I threw in the Deciever's face =]
As february rolled by I was reading a book called Starving Jesus and felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to use fasting as a time to cultivate my relationship with God. The book talked about 40 day fasts...I told my mom and she did not approve so I decided i'd do 40 days...just not all at once. I'm greived to say I did not do all forty days but the days I did do, I learned much about the suffenciency of Christ, how the Word is my food, determination, temptation, weakness, strength, closeness with God, along with much more...until i got in the way. One week I decided to fast the whole 7 days. I was resolved, nothing would stop me. I was hungry!! haha, It was such a good time with God. I craved him so much. I wanted to eat so much--every hunger pang was worse than the one before...but I would always find sufficiency in Him!! It amazed me how he sustained me! However, it was at the end of this week that my flesh blew it. I got through the whole 7 days, but on day six I screwed up. But our God is sooo good and endless mercies are ours through Christ! I started day 7 right with him and felt like I should press on to day 8! I was terrified, but there was a peace so strong about it. things worked out with it that just seemed right--I felt i was supposed to go forward for 33 more days! If i did that, I would get to eat again on Easter sunday. whoa. I thought about the numbers 7 and 33--7 being the perfect number in the Bible and 33 being the age of Christ when he was crucified and rose again! It was exciting to me! I went to bed that night just knowing I'd wake up the next 33 days hungrier and hungier--for the Word of God. I woke up day 8 and felt sick--to my stomach. All the sudden, every conviction from the previous night was gone. And I ate. Food felt so foreign!haha, almost like i'd forgotten! That whole day i was conflicted about my decision...But God taught me so much! --and even laid foundations for what I was to learn later...
I'm really gonna have to read back over my journals in depth--to see again where God brought me and is taking me!
I didn't go to my senior prom--a lot of people looked at me in shock! "why??!" they'd say in amazment...well I didn't want to. I didn't have to money to just buy another dress and tickets and dinner and reservations and shoes and makeup and hair and then I decided I'd rather not spend 4 hours on a dance floor--not being myself. plus my youth group had a retreat that weekend. =] I had my reasons.
Another thing about my youth group and that God taught me...decision making...I had to decide between my senior year--last year in the youth group, if i was going to go to beach camp and worldchangers or to remain working at camp. I battled with this decision for a long time. I wanted so badly to go to beach camp especially. but over and over again I saw that it was not my place--that I was, for some reason, unbeknownst to me, to be at camp. I cried a lot...but God reaffirmed and reaffirmed and comforted me through it.
As school came to a close I felt more convicted than ever to make my last weeks there count, I was determined to tell someone everyday about my Jesus, or at least be Christ to someone I didn't know every day. I had people praying for me, I had accountability...everything I thought I needed...But one day in church I realized that "if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." It broke me. God broke me. I still wanted the last bits of my senior year to matter though. Just like everyone else probably too.
We were out for 2 weeks before we got to graduate. ugh. and the week we were to graduate, I was also supposed to be at camp. So when we finally graduated...I didn't even want to be there! my mind was at camp, where they were having the trustee dinner. So graduation wasn't that momentus an occasion for me.--i went back to camp the next day.
I can sum up this summer for me in very few words. Totally different from last summer. Different completely--the two years, i have a hard time even comparing...it's like apples and oranges--they're both fruit but that's about all there was in common. this summer was almost completely emotionless for me. I definitely struggled with that --it wasn't indifference. It was stoic-ness. I put on emotional expressions...but I can only remember one time I cried all summer...and it was in the telling Becca Becca and kaitlyn about my emotionless state and how hard it was to see everything coming together for them and though i rejoiced inwardly for them i was growing impatient--wondering why things weren't coming together for me quite so well.
the last week was the greatest! So many things happened that were total acts of God. I was a huddle leader when I was supposed to be on support staff and then there was a girl in my cabin that's a family friend and wanted me as a huddle leader! The girls all contributed to our huddle sessions with tons of deep questions--a lot that I could not answer and we spent much time in discussion--making us late for pool time a lot! I poured out everything the Lord poured into me. I was exhausted by wednesday. And I think my campers were too..It was the most draining week--emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally...it was crazy...but good.
On the staff retreat afterwards i learned even more. --I learned how blind i was to how great these people were and are that I worked with all summer and failed to take notice because of my emotionlessness and nostalgia. And even now...I think, "why was I even at camp this year?"--but I stop when I think about if I wasn't--because then I would not have some of the greatest, closest, most challenging, faith, encouraging brothers and sisters in Christ as my dear friends. And that takes a huge amount of growth out of me.
we had about 2 weeks between the end of camp and the beginning of college. I didn't feel i had enough time in the days! I needed rest so badly--to just "be bored" and let God heal me from the inside out. I wrote a song called "tired" because, well, that's what I was--I was so tired. There was so much to do, and so many people to catch up with and so many places to go and do things and talk and go and go and go...I was burned out! and then on top of that were my worries about all the changes college would bring and then on top of that were my spiritual struggles with mainly--legalism and fear of obedience (sounds contradictory doesn't it!)
Move in day was August 14th.
College is so different from high school ---work is about the same, maybe a little more and more heavily weighted, but it took the same position on my priority list.
I was tossed around by all the changes all at once! Officially not living at home anymore. My family trying to move. The struggles at home weighting on my heart. My heart. Worries about balance and maintaining and growing in my relationship with God. Decisions to make—like what church to go to and if I were to stay at PSBC, what ministry to plug into—to stay with the Youth? To help with Reach up high? To do choir? To lead worship with young adults? Gah!! So much…all at once. I was so tired!
My friendship with my roommate grew tremendously! =] she has kept me accountable in ways she doesn’t even know!
My friendship with Becca carter became one of the most vulnerably honest friendships I’ve ever experienced, second only to my mom! She challenged me so much…--the first MAjor time was when she told me I should sing the song I wrote in church. “no way!” “why not?” “it’s not…churchy enough” “well, what is the church?” dang. Stuck. So I made myself vulnerable to my church and it was scary…but so blessed. And I give all credit to God—before I wrote that song, I earnestly prayed, “God give me words.” And he did…and he used them.
I also experienced God’s heart for his people. Global missions week was one of the most profound missions oriented conferences I’ve ever experienced, namely because I experienced God. I felt him calling me to sign up for a LIGHT team. I felt him calling me to change my major to incorporate Spanish! And he reaffirmed and reaffirmed those decisions when I found out I was to go to Ecuador! Wow!
I soon learned a lot about my heart. And relationships and God’s pursuit and longing to be pursued. Through this time of learning, God tore down walls in my heart I didn’t even know were there. It hurt. It was a time of just …hard. But it was so GOOD. God’s molding process…it isn’t always fun and feel-good. Most times it is gut-wrenchingly painful. But I learned that He knows what is BEST for me. And He loves me so he DOES what is best for me. I am still learning to let him be my ultimate Romancer. I could go on for hours on this topic alone and what he had taught me, through his word and through my closest friends and through pursuit. It is so beautiful!! His timing is so perfect and I rejoice inside just pondering it!
I found my most challenging class this semester to be my Oral Communications class. Because we had to write and give speeches yes, but mainly because of our final exam debate. I was given a topic I am still wrestling with today. I had to debate against something I believed. It was challenging to disconnect myself from what I was saying…especially when my research had been so convincing. After exams were over and I was out for break, I asked a few good and trustworthy people for their opinion on the topic…this gave ease to my cognitive dissonance. Somewhat. But I really appreciate what one friend said, “I’m not gonna give you the answers, this is a good topic to wrestle with! Keep wrestling with it Katie.” So…I will.
The whole Christmas season felt like …not Christmas to me…it was so different this year. My break has been soo busy. I think in the 3 weeks I’ve been home I’ve had two days that I didn’t do anything or go anywhere…2. My family is still struggling with the move and the house. It was just not what I expected. God is not chained by time. When a year ends it doesn’t mean he does, or that he starts over. He is still at work. He was. He is. And He will be. And some of the greatest promises I’ve learned from him this year have been:
You’re not alone.
Don’t be afraid.
Stop. Be still. I’ve got you.
Grace.
Pursuit.
Peace.
Joy.
Church.
I’ve got this. I love you and I’ll do what’s best for you.
Greater things are yet to come. Greater things are still do be done here.
